runningstart | MASK OR MENACE IC INBOX

MASK OR MENACE IC INBOX

WALLY WEST
"You've reached the personal voice mail of the Wall-man. The honor is yours! Leave your deets, I'll holla back atcha."
[ BEEP. ]

KID FLASH
"This is the contact for Kid Flash. If it's an emergency, call Robin; he'll know where I am. Otherwise, leave your info and I'll get you back ASAP."
[ BEEP. ]

[ voice | text | email | action ]

( Please specify in tag subject line if the contact is for Wally West or Kid Flash! )

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Yes, it's in my brain.

And somehow I'm not surprised it's in Gotham. Okay, go on.

Have you ever heard of the Condiment King?

Edited 2016-02-05 05:45 (UTC)

It's cool if you haven't because neither has anybody else, which was apparently part of his problem.

Edited 2016-02-05 05:46 (UTC)

Please tell me he actually fights with, like, ketchup and mustard and junk and it's not a name he took 'cause... I don't know, ketchup killed his mom when he was a kid or something.

No spoilers! Sit down. [kid pls]

Yeah, he actually fought with ketchup and mustard and relish and stuff, I'm not kidding. He had pepper bombs too though, which are no joke. Those sucked.

His backstory is actually even more amazing. I know this, because he shouted it at the top of his lungs as he tried to lasso Robin with ham twine. Y'know, like Christmas hams? It was a stretch but honestly, with that gimmick he didn't really have a lot to work with.

Boy was he ever pissed off when we critiqued that too. Robin was like, "Dude? That's not a condiment." The rant that followed that comment was at least fifteen minutes long. "Do you have any idea how difficult it is to make a name for yourself?!" He said that at least four times.

Edited 2016-02-06 03:12 (UTC)

[Thoughtfully:] He shoulda gone with, like, Food Supplies King. Then he could've used all the ham twine he wanted. [He considers this further.] And, you know. Knives.

[Okay, okay, off-topic.]

So, lemme get this straight -- his whole thing is being pissed that nobody recognizes him? Is that it? He just wants to be known far and wide as the fearsome Condiment King?

You make his story sound so much less tragic when you say it like that.

Look you don't understand. He never went on one date while he was in high school. Not one. You couldn't possibly fathom the depths of his agony since you have a cool and hot girlfriend.

My girlfriend is both cool and hot.

[...oh right, it was storytime, not time for Jaime to ruminate on his wonderful love life.]

But, like, he's not still in high school. Right? If he was he'd have to be the Condiment Prince.

Who the hell calls himself Condiment PRINCE when Condiment KING is available? Seriously, Reyes.

Uh, a lot of people? He's already calling himself the Condiment King. You have seen the names some of us take up, right?

Listen to you. You poor fool. You've been kidnapped for so long that it's addled your brain.

Look, when you started calling yourself Blue Beetle, did you first decide on Blue Beetle Jr? Or Blue Beetle Lad? Maybe even Blue Beetle Esquire? No. No you didn't, because that's stupid. Nobody calls themselves by a lesser title when a better one is available!

Edited 2016-02-12 07:22 (UTC)

I dunno, man. Beast Boy goes by Beast Boy, not Beast Man, even in my universe where he's, like, twenty-four or whatever.

[There's a few others, but they're super dead, so maybe he won't rag on their names. That seems rude.

(But seriously, Baby Wildebeest? Why?]

And there's Supergirl too, when Superwoman is free for the taking.

Edited 2016-02-13 08:33 (UTC)

Yeah I'm not gonna judge. [damn right you aren't gonna judge, KID flash] Maybe because they started out with the -boy and -girl or whatever and by the time they hit legal voting age, it was already stuck. Who knows?

The point is this Condiment King guy was like, in his thirties. At least in his thirties, and he cared way too much about the opinions of a preteen and his super handsome already-a-teenager buddy. Anyway we got captured through no fault of my own [kid had slipped on a mayo packet] and he tied us to like, this skyscraper spire and ranted for a while as he tried to figure out a way to tell Batman that he'd kidnapped his precious Robin.

If he's in his thirties, then what does his girlfriend situation in high school matter?

[Yeesh, Wally!!]

So? Did he find a way, or what? You can't just go running through the streets yelling for him. Or maybe you can. That guy seems to know a lot.

He didn't have to because, shockingly, Bats keeps trackers in Robin's clothes. So Batman shows up and- This is where it gets hilarious. The Condiment King wanted to make Batman 'feel despair' so he wanted him to think he'd killed Robin. But like, he was too scared of what Batman would do to him if actually killed Robin, so you know what he did?

He covered him in ketchup. He gagged him and covered him in ketchup and he was pretty sure that would fool the freakin' Dark Knight into thinking Robin was dead.

Edited 2016-02-18 06:37 (UTC)

Oh my god.

[Jaime actually sounds kind of thrilled. It's so fantastically stupid that it's wheeled back into being hilarious.]

That couldn't have gone well. What did he do with you, anyway? Just, like, keep you tied up so you could watch the show?

[no see he specifically avoided telling you about what HE was doing during this] What? Nothing. I mean yeah, that's what I was doing. Just tied up.

Oh, no you weren't, not when you say it like that. C'mon, Wally, spill.

UGGGGGH. [only because you're kidnapped and in life-threatening danger] Okay fine. He was. Trying to convince me to be his sidekick. ...because I already had an "appropriate color scheme."

[If Jaime could choke on a laugh over a mental link, he would. As it is, Kid just gets a weird sort of sound of amusement coming from Jaime's mind alone, which is a little bizarre.]

Ohhhh my god, for real? He was looking for a sidekick? Please tell me he pitched some names for you. Like Mustard Lad, or something.

[what the hell was that noise] Dude no, he wasn't even original. He was gonna go with Condiment Kid. [...okay] And Robin actually got pretty offended at his lack of originality. I mean he was gagged and ketchup'd at the time so he couldn't say anything, but he wouldn't stop ranting about it for like two weeks afterward.

[sorry bruh he can't control the noises his mind makes]

You know, I still haven't ever heard him rant before. He stays pretty professional and junk.

[...when they're not both freaking the hell out or when Robin's not ranting about Wally, anyway.]

I'd like to hear those rants. Then again, I wouldn't mind seeing what this guy's costume looked like either.

I'll draw you a picture. [it'll look horrible]

Robin's rants are funny because he gets squeaky the angrier he gets. If you can get him shrieking -it takes so much work dude, but it's so worth it.

Ehhh, well, I can give it a shot. 's not like we don't have the time.

[He has to find some form of entertainment around here.]

Gimme a hot topic issue. Like, is he really passionate about what he puts on his hamburgers, or something?

voice

runningstart - 2016-03-08 07:06 (UTC) - Expand

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khajidont - 2016-03-08 08:04 (UTC) - Expand

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