runningstart | IC Inbox

I know, man, you're mine too. I'm not- [Wally huffs through his nose, reaches forward to take the glass and down half of it to hopefully chase away a little of this headache.] You didn't. I'm not guilty. I just don't like that you didn't have everyone you wanted to see.

[Not even him, but Hiro, Cass, all his other friends. Maybe it was kind of like death, a little; everybody's moved on without you.]

[While Wally drinks half of his, Tadashi's sipping his pretty slowly.]

Once I realized it'd been two years since I was ported out, I had a feeling they'd all be gone.

[Is it any wonder the minute he knew Wally was back that he came running?]

What I'm getting at, what I'm trying to say.... Whatever you need, I'm here. Even if it's to just [he gestures vaguely] leave you alone and sit close by.

[Two years. So- damn. At the very least, that long for Wally.]

...yeah, no, I- [Finishes water. Words have never been this difficult coming to Wally. Maybe the shock is catching up with him, finally.] -I don't know.

[Holds onto the glass, staring blankly down at the ground where a coffee table would probably be, if the apartment wasn't nearly barren. The kitten, frustrated with a lack of fawning, decides instead to put fur all over Wally's superhero uniform.] I don't know what I need. If I need something. I'm-

[Taps a finger against the side of the glass, letting out a slow breath.] I'm...dead.

[Tadashi's quiet. Patient. He lets Wally start and stop however he needs to get to that conclusion. Tadashi could tell it had happened - not from any power or supernatural feeling or anything. Wally just... had that look when he found him. The same look he had in his own eyes when he ported back in right after burning to death, that he'd tried to hide from Hiro that afternoon. And every afternoon after.

It doesn't matter that much anymore.

God, he really should find something productive to put his energy to. Maybe working on those Sparrow specs he'd talked to Cayde about.]

I'm sorry.

[He doesn't say it to be placating or patronizing. He means it, genuinely. That's just... who Tadashi is. He's sorry his friend is dead. That he's having to have that realization here. But better here than on the street or in a house full of strangers.]

I knew it would happen. [Wally can hear his own voice, like it's detached from his body. Weird. Doesn't sound like him. Doesn't sound like someone about to have a meltdown...he doesn't feel like he's about to have a meltdown.] -no I didn't. I thought it might. Like everybody does, before they die, I guess.

[Glances up at Tadashi standing there, his half-full glass of water in his own hand, looking ten years older than he did a minute ago.] It's not like anybody plans for it.

[He listens, because it's what he's good at. Tadashi sets his glass on the counter and just listens. His expression pinches, just a little, just enough to show he's thinking. Because...]

No one ever does.

[His hands clench into fists on the counter, then relax.]

When I-- [Pause. Breathe. He never talked to anyone about this. He never even talked to Hiro about it, the kid always seemed so done and he never wanted to make it worse by talking about it. But then who else was he supposed to talk to about it? His eyes are down on that counter, he can't. Look at someone else while he talks about it. It's the first time he's ever vocalized any of what happened those few minutes. Those stupid, thoughtless few minutes.] When I ran into that building, I... knew. Not- not like I remembered this place, or that I'd known ahead of time what was going to happen. But like.. You walk through the door and you just know you aren't walking back out.

So I... get it.

Edited (YOU MISS ONE / AND THE REST IS RUINED) 2020-04-08 03:52 (UTC)

[The words coming out of Tadashi's mouth feel raw and bloody, like hamburger meat, and Wally gets the feeling it's the first time they've been said like this. Talking about it, about the big I.T. It sounds like how saying "I'm dead" felt, and Wally can't look away from how very, very still Tadashi is holding as he bores holes into the countertop.]

I know, man.

[He gets it. He knew once he was running that he wouldn't be running back. He figured, and he still was there, but it didn't seem like-] Doesn't feel real. Right? Even when you can just...tell, it's like- the- [Wally gestures with his hands, still holding the glass in one, circles around something in front of him that he can't see,] -the bigness doesn't hit you. It's just like if you realize that your car's out of gas, or that you forgot your phone at home.

[An inconvenience. Maybe it's different for Tadashi, but at the moment Wally knew he'd die, he just thought it was really annoying that he would go before finishing the job, before getting to say goodbye to Artemis, to his parents. It was just-]

[He nods because, while he can't find the right word for it, Wally gets it.]

That's exactly it. And. Then you wake up here, sometimes, and it's like. "Oh". He sighs and comes to sit back on the couch with his water. He's tired and dead but it looks like a little weight was lifted off his shoulders. At the very least, he'd been unconscious when he went. The burning beforehand was bad, but the support beam falling on him did the rest. He just can't... get that image out of his head, no matter how long it's been: Callaghan's silhouette in the flames in front of him with Hiro's microbots coming to him...

Tadashi rubs at his face with his free hand.]

I don't. Remember where I was going with that.

You don't have to. [Wally gets up and deposits his glass in the sink, just to have something to do with his body, just so he doesn't have to sit still as he skirts the edges of this big huge thing he doesn't want to face full-on.] This is your first time talking about it, isn't it?

[Tadashi watches him, ignores the little ping on his phone - just a notification their food's on the way - and thinks.]

Yeah. When I ported back in after it happened... everyone already knew. So there wasn't any reason to talk about it.

[sighs heavily] Dude...

What?

Not even to vent? I- [holds up hands, hold on now,] Okay, this is an extreme case of the pot calling the kettle burnt, but like, what do you even do for stress relief? Volunteer at a soup kitchen?

It used to be that I'd go to the university or Stark lab and just build stuff until the energy was worked out.

Or I'd ride my vespa around for a while.

[Guess what he doesn't have around anymore. Who needs coping mechanisms, he's fine.]

[a vespa] We're getting you another hobby. How do you feel about running? Or competitive eating?

[IT WAS COMPLETELY MODDED OUT AND NOT A DINKY KAREN-GOING-POKEMON-GO VESPA OKAY!!!]

You and Jaime both- [He groans and just. Puts his head in his hands, hunched over his knees. There's a knock on the door and thank god their food is here. End this conversation, he's FINE. He gets up to get the order and he's not even gonna bother digging around for plates or anything. Plastic to-go utensils and eating right out of those bowls. He hands Wally's entire bag to him, holding onto his smaller, second bag.]

Dig in?